As someone who works from home I'm uniquely privileged to create a space in my life that is safe for my ADHD and the effects of my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. I want to explore some of the ways I've used this privilege to my advantage.
I know that this lifestyle isn't possible for everyone who has similar challenges but I hope that maybe something in here can help someone build a life more suitable to their unique needs.
The ability to be in control is helpful when so many things are out of my control
"You're really lucky you had such control over your life and that you are so creative," my neuropsychologist told me. "While it might have meant that your ADHD went unnoticed for a long time it seems to have helped you develop a lot of coping skills already."
When she first said this to me I was kind of in 😮 shock.
It made sense that having control over my life let me ADHD slip through the cracks. It wasn't until being thrust into parenthood as a young stepmom that I ever had to adhere to a strict schedule.
I didn't grow up eating around the table or with weekly sporting events to attend. I finished high school through distance education after getting kicked out and my university was entirely online. (Though we CAN argue that getting kicked out of high school might have been a hint toward my challenges 🙄).
While all of THAT made sense, it certainly didn't make sense to me that I might be "lucky" that it went unnoticed.
If I'd have known what I was dealing with I might have found a lot more compassion for myself a lot sooner. I might have been able to be proud of the weird ways I've developed for doing things instead of trying to hide them, thinking I'm strange, lazy, or just not very good at "adulting."
I really had to chew on her words for a while before they began to make sense.
Planning around my inability to plan
I have a weird clock. It doesn't always work. And when it DOES, my body isn't always working alongside it (more on that later).
I can get caught up in things and not realize how long I'm spending on them.
I don't always plan my little "in between" tasks for how long they actually take.
(You mean it takes me about 20 minutes to actually get ready to leave to go somewhere? I swear it's only five. Except, where are my shoes? Do I need water? Shit, where are my keys? Oops, forgot my phone. Gotta go back. Ugh, didn't plan for how cold it actually is. I gotta go back for my sweater. Annnnddd... I just remembered I've had to pee for the last hour.)
I've learned that sometimes I just take a little longer than I think I will. Now I build that time into my plans whenever possible (and whenever I remember to make a plan).
Going with my natural flow
I work in ebbs and flows.
My body can go a little wonky at any given moment with absolutely no notice. Sometimes I'm able to see it coming and gear up for it by planning my work around a flare I know is on it's way, but sometimes it just comes out of nowhere and I'm left unable to work at my usual warp speed for a while.
Both my body and my mind tend to play tricks on my when I should be sleeping so I often find myself in a place where actual schedules are very difficult for me to adhere to.
I've learned to aim for a good structure (get to sleep at a good time, practice sleep hygiene on work nights especially, get up early in the morning, eat breakfast, etc.) but I have also learned to accept that this simply will NOT work out all the time. So, it's OK for me to take advantage of the late night spurt of energy on my wonky days and blast through a bunch of work then nap the next day. As long as I put in the work to get myself back on track as soon as my body becomes a willing participant.
Creating accountability reminders
This has been one of the biggest things that has helped me maintain any sort of adult life. Though I still procrastinate and use dirty mind tricks to motivate myself sometimes, I have to say I'm pretty proud of the strategies I've developed to keep myself on task.
I have to note, though, that my university was HUGELY helpful with this. Shout out to the psychology program at Athabasca University for including courses that helped me figure out how I learn best and how to create mental strategies to remember things.
The final piece - Acceptance and self-compassion
I have to say, though, that while all of those routines and skills I developed kept my head above water they weren't able to liberate me from the feeling of overwhelm that ran my life.
It wasn't until I understood my ADHD, my self, better that I was able to really create a healthy world for myself.
"Going with my natural flow" worked as long as I was alone. But as soon as anyone else was around I worried they'd think I was lazy if I wasn't working during the day.
Accepting that it's OK for me to do things differently and learning to TRUST myself that I will get everything done in the end has been VERY liberating for me.
"Accountability reminders" worked only as long as other people were willing to work with me. And not knowing how to explain my reminders to them made that nearly impossible. For example, my father-in-law is a naturally helpful person. Whenever he saw my laundry basket sitting at the top of the stairs he took it to the basement for me so I didn't have to carry it. What he didn't realize was that taking it down the stairs meant I forgot it existed. I was embarrassed at my lack of memory for something so "simple" so I avoided explaining it to him.
Understanding why I need those reminders and accepting that they do NOT mean I am inadequate has allowed me to explain the reminders to others and politely ask that they work with me.
Stop stressing about where to start
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